So I’ve been struggling for 3 days with a follow up to my last post. So much is going on right now I really don’t know what to write. I guess I should say the previous post was written in a moment of confusion, hurt, and pain, and I don’t want it to be misconstrued. So let me explain. It was no fault of anyone else’s that I was feeling the way I was. I have made many decisions and had actions I had carried out that led to the situation of the ‘Goodbye’ entry. The last three days have felt like a lonely spiral that I just want to correct, and I don’t know how to do that. When I said I had nobody here for me and I needed anyone to hear me, I was forgetting the fact that I do have that one person here I can always depend on to be here and hear me, regardless of what happens…all I have to do is tell him what I need. I have been very bad at telling the person I love most in the world what I need lately. For that I am sorry. I know that I put myself in this situation and that the road back to the days of June 14th may be a long one. But I hope I get there. I love you Jack, and I hope you know how much I need you. Always.
What is there to say. Goodbye I guess. I never wanted it to end this way. I don’t know when we started hating each other like we do. Words that won’t come…Trying to say anything to make this pain stop. I can’t stand to even look in the mirror anymore. I hate what I have become. What you have made me. What I have made you. So now go…forget me. Don’t look back. I’ll think of you, even if you don’t think of me. It feels like all those years ago. Waking up without you near me. I didn’t hear your voice anymore. Now those days are back. The silence is coming. I can feel it. I need someone, anyone to hear me right now. I’ve never felt such pain. But as I said before, true sadness is the day I forget your name. I know you’ll forget mine. Am I so easy to forget? Not even friends anymore. I wish there was something I could say…anything I could do. But it’s too late now. Too late. So go…take all your shit. I don’t need you in my life. I’ll be fine. I can make myself believe these things. But who, I ask you is going to be here when I fall down? Who is going to care if I cry or not? Who will be there to tell me that nobody can hurt me anymore? Not you. Not anybody. I am truly alone now. Said goodbye to my best friend. And pretty soon I’ll be some girl you used to know. Cliche I know. But sometimes it’s the truth.
There are some things in life you just can’t predict. My life has taken me from the amazing highs of my last post to the fear and loneliness of being without certainty of anything in this world. But one thing has remained the same. I have not lost that girl I found, and for that, to you, I say thank you. My last 48 hours have taken me on a physical journey as well as the emotional. I have traveled, trying to ease my minds constant stream of noise that never wants to just let me rest. I’ve spent time with friends, alone, and in the company of strangers. While this has helped for moments, my thoughts always go back to the source of this pain. The one thing that I know has changed so many things, for a number of people. I don’t know what to do with that right now. But I know that everything I knew before just seems so empty in comparison to the week I have had. If this should go away, I could search my entire life and never find it’s match. So to you, whatever happens. I wish you the best. I would remember everything as the best moments of my life. I love you and all you have meant to me. And as for my trying to find my way back home…I guess I’ll get there when I get there. There’s just something about being in the world with all it’s pretty lies that makes me able to forget how much I need you in the moments when I want you here most. I hope I can figure out reality soon. I’m always here.
My whole life I have been moving on this journey I call Somewhere Between Here and There. For those of you who are familiar with my poetry I often talk of not knowing who I am. For 26 years, I’ve never really been familiar with the girl I see in the reflection staring back at me. This is perhaps why I hide behind screen names, blogs, personas, and fantasy. I seldom show anyone a true version of myself because I do not know what or who that girl is to show. She was lost somewhere, so far back that memories are faded and distorted. Truth mixed in with made up dreams.
Since my last post I have done everything I can to make myself stay strong. I have gone out, stayed in, even alienated myself from the people I love most. Finally I decided to do the one thing that in all my years of searching I have been afraid to do. I sat down and looked at me.
This “intensive” journey, as I call it , has lasted only a short 17 days, however I feel I have been to the edge of the earth and back. I have literally stripped myself down to the core; the essence of my very self. It has been a painful process, both for myself and those close to me.
As I neared the end of these days, I made an encounter. We’ll call him Jim. I had seen Jim around a popular chat site for people locally. We had spoken once or twice, but never more than a casual hello. I don’t know what caused us to speak this particular day, but somehow I found myself in a private conversation with him.
What came next I will always remember as the most important conversation of my life. Jim and I talked for close to 12 hours that night. Not only did he see the real me, but he allowed me to join him on the journey and see myself through his eyes. It was almost a spiritual journey. Little did he know, he was giving me myself back, and I was opening up to someone for the first time in years. There was a love there I wasn’t sure what to do with. It was bigger than us, we knew. And it was good. I knew I had made an amazing friend.
I owe the end of a 26 year journey to him. And the return of a girl I thought I’d lost for good. I don’t know why he was able to reach her. I don’t know why we connected as we did. But I know I will always be happy at the sound of his voice. And be able to smile again because of him. Thank you.
