You never make the choices you do knowing that they will lead you to places you’d rather not visit, and yet it happens often. I knew once what it was like to feel like I was home. Having things most people could only dream of. Yet somewhere, over the last ten months, I’ve shattered that. Now I cling to fragments. Snapshots in my mind. Waiting. Waiting to put these fragments back together, or waiting to tuck them away and move on? At this point I cannot say. As I write this, I am alone in a room. So many thoughts come to mind. There is that suffocating silence I’ve written about in the past. But somehow it’s no longer heartbreaking. Just pressing. I find myself asking questions I’d rather not know the answer to. So I ask others instead.
A recent conversation has led me to think, where would we be without our mistakes? Things we as humans learn from and try to avoid doing in the future. I have made a lifetime of mistakes. But I have only one regret. That regret is saying the word “Go.” If I’d only opened the door when you knocked, trying to talk to me. If I had only said, “I’m upset, but stay and we’ll work it out.” But that didn’t happen. I said “Go,” and I sat in this room with you and never said a word. And you went. I cannot blame you. Nobody could. But I will never regret anything more.
Just as we are not human without our mistakes, we are nothing without the power to forgive. To see that there has been too much time, too much happiness, and too much pushing through to stop now. I remember the promise we made. It’s never over. A million memories that I would never erase. And whatever is left of us now, it’s not too late. It’s never too late. I have gained so much insight these last two weeks. I only pray that insight hasn’t come too late.
It’s been only you for almost six years. It will be only you for all the lifetimes I have. Even if I have to wait until the next time around for your forgiveness. I love you, Jack. Thank you for being my somebody.
