A Life I Knew

While going through a rough patch in my life I took comfort in a close friend. I turned to him recently and asked, “Do you ever wonder how you got here?” We talked, and agreed that we often trace events back through our mind and see that had we done even one thing differently we would not be sitting in the places we are today. In fact, a random event from years before may very well be the reason I was having this very conversation. Suddenly, I was sad. My whole life I’ve been wondering how I got to a particular place, and more often than not, when I reach significant milestones in my life I reflect on how my whole life’s actions have been leading up to this one thing. But in tracing those moments back, I realize that those times that once made me so happy are now distant and distorted memories. So many times I’ve thought THIS is the moment I’ve been waiting for, only to find that once again, I have been wrong. Will I ever find that thing that all of these events have been leading up to?
Now, more than ever I need something to believe in. It seems that over the last two years I have slowly been stripped of everything I value in this life, and within a week I will literally have only one thing left. It scares me to think how close I am to losing my grip on reality. What is there to keep me going at this point? What is there for me to put faith in? I fear that faith is overrated. I can only hope that when the dust settles and the world stops spinning, that I can find some trace of the girl that I know I found not so long ago. Does anyone out there remember who she is? I’m not sure I do anymore, nor do I know if I even care at this point.
The reality is, regardless of what you think you know, nothing is constant. All you can count on is yourself, if you’re lucky. I will try, somehow, to rebuild that life that I used to know. To make right the many wrongs in my life. To those of you I have personally hurt, I can only offer my deepest regret. I hope one day, you can accept this. I don’t know where I go from here. I hope my next post finds me in a place where I remember the girl I became. Until then, I remain somewhere between here and there. On the bright side, at least that’s a place to be.

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