Crossroads

There are times in your life when you find yourself at a crossroads. The roads you see before you have nothing in common except that they will cause your life to change. Some of these changes are drastic while others mean only learning to adjust. None of them are pain free. If you’re lucky, the pathways ahead are clear. You know what you will find there even before you decide to set off. More often than not, what you see all around you is shadowed and dark. Covered in blankets of fog so thick that you can’t tell what hides within. In these times you have only your instinct to guide you. Do you sense danger? Perhaps a dead end somewhere? Or is it the opposite? Maybe your gut knows that you will find everything you were looking for once the fog has lifted. That peace you’ve longed to feel? You can only find out by taking a walk down that road. Enduring the fear of the unknown may be the difference between living and just existing.

So where do you go? You may find that you are tempted to just stand still. Go nowhere until something new happens. Hoping someone else will decide for you. Hoping that a new path will present itself somehow. I can tell you that in these times, none of those things will happen. Only you can make the choice. It is unfortunate that others will be affected by which way you go. But there is no way to avoid that now.

It has been twenty four hours from the time I started this post to the present. I’m so confused by what I should do and what path to take that even writing about it makes me worried about what will come. Knowing that I can only be true to myself is the thought that will give me the courage to finally put my choices into motion. I am comforted in knowing that there is a person who’s life and situation parallels my own. While this person may have a deeper level of pain than I could imagine right now, the stories are similar.

Speaking to this person is bittersweet. I hate that they are feeling the stresses of such a major crossroads, however I am comforted that there is someone out there that can relate. We are both going through our own situations, choices, and pain. Somehow it makes it a little easier knowing that no matter what happens for us individually, in the moments we feel most alone or afraid, we have a friend to turn to. Good luck to us both, and anyone else who finds themselves at a crossroads. I hope the future finds us all happy.

Fear

Sometimes everything seems so clear. I know where I’m going. What I’m doing. What’s expected of me. I know how my decisions will affect others. But not today. Today, like most days, I feel like a little girl, wondering how she got in this grown up world. I look in the mirror to find a child looking back at me, wanting nothing more than to cry out for Mommy to come and save me. I just need someone to understand these feelings and be there to help me find that adult again. But for some reason I can’t ever see things the same way long enough to feel comforted by even those with the best of intentions. I’ve been treading water for so long now, that I am physically and mentally exhausted. Every part of me just wanting to give in and drown. Dare I accept help from someone and risk driving away the only things I’ve grown to trust?

I struggle with demons of my past. I never know when they will choose to rear their heads and try to attack me. Everyone who ever knew about these things is gone now. I’ll find no peace from them. Will I ever be able to know peace again? Perhaps when my mind calms down and this fear that is consuming me melts away I will better know what to do. Until then, all I can do is pray for some relief. And take it in whatever form presents itself. Without it, who knows if I’ll be strong enough tomorrow.

Longing

I think the easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly. So here I sit, trying, trying like hell, not to want this to badly. When everyone in this world fails you. When the people who promise they’ll be around all just give up on you. When you don’t have it in you to pick yourself up off the floor and try one more time. How do you do it? I am so full of fear right now. So many things can change at any given moment, and I really don’t know what’s going to happen to me. But I’m even more afraid of not being true to myself and what I know I need. If you find that one thing that can give you peace, even if it’s only for a second, go for it. I can’t bear the thought of losing this. Losing what I haven’t even found yet. When will my world stop spinning? Will I ever remember to forget those things I know I must? Will I ever be able to just let go and get to that place of consistent happiness? Things are always so dark for me. Except for in this place. This one place that I’ve come to value more than anything I know. My dearest friend would tell me it’s not good to value things so much. That’s easy for him to say. He’s never seen what I see when I look at him. I just want to be normal…but somehow I know that will never happen. I would settle for a lifetime of crackheads and cockatoos. I thank him for bringing me such things.