Longing

I think the easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly. So here I sit, trying, trying like hell, not to want this to badly. When everyone in this world fails you. When the people who promise they’ll be around all just give up on you. When you don’t have it in you to pick yourself up off the floor and try one more time. How do you do it? I am so full of fear right now. So many things can change at any given moment, and I really don’t know what’s going to happen to me. But I’m even more afraid of not being true to myself and what I know I need. If you find that one thing that can give you peace, even if it’s only for a second, go for it. I can’t bear the thought of losing this. Losing what I haven’t even found yet. When will my world stop spinning? Will I ever remember to forget those things I know I must? Will I ever be able to just let go and get to that place of consistent happiness? Things are always so dark for me. Except for in this place. This one place that I’ve come to value more than anything I know. My dearest friend would tell me it’s not good to value things so much. That’s easy for him to say. He’s never seen what I see when I look at him. I just want to be normal…but somehow I know that will never happen. I would settle for a lifetime of crackheads and cockatoos. I thank him for bringing me such things.

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