Sometimes everything seems so clear. I know where I’m going. What I’m doing. What’s expected of me. I know how my decisions will affect others. But not today. Today, like most days, I feel like a little girl, wondering how she got in this grown up world. I look in the mirror to find a child looking back at me, wanting nothing more than to cry out for Mommy to come and save me. I just need someone to understand these feelings and be there to help me find that adult again. But for some reason I can’t ever see things the same way long enough to feel comforted by even those with the best of intentions. I’ve been treading water for so long now, that I am physically and mentally exhausted. Every part of me just wanting to give in and drown. Dare I accept help from someone and risk driving away the only things I’ve grown to trust?
I struggle with demons of my past. I never know when they will choose to rear their heads and try to attack me. Everyone who ever knew about these things is gone now. I’ll find no peace from them. Will I ever be able to know peace again? Perhaps when my mind calms down and this fear that is consuming me melts away I will better know what to do. Until then, all I can do is pray for some relief. And take it in whatever form presents itself. Without it, who knows if I’ll be strong enough tomorrow.
Nice Post. Don’t know what the demons are but I believe the Buddist have it right in trying to learn to live in the moment. I for many years tried to bury all of my pain in the bottle. it damn near killed. I just got out of rehab and it was an intense 30 days. I will never forget when I was discharged and my drive home. I was overcome with emotion at how incredible the countryside looked in that moment. I know it is over said but life is too short not to be in the moment.
I do hope you are seeing a professional or have someone to talk to. I know that secrets and burdens kept inside will keep us sick.
Kind regards
Kevin from Missouri