Through Someone Else’s Eyes

My whole life I have been moving on this journey I call Somewhere Between Here and There. For those of you who are familiar with my poetry I often talk of not knowing who I am.  For 26 years, I’ve never really been familiar with the girl I see in the reflection staring back at me. This is perhaps why I hide behind screen names, blogs, personas, and fantasy. I seldom show anyone a true version of myself because I do not know what or who that girl is to show. She was lost somewhere, so far back that memories are faded and distorted. Truth mixed in with made up dreams.

Since my last post I have done everything I can to make myself stay strong. I have gone out, stayed in, even alienated myself from the people I love most. Finally I decided to do the one thing that in all my years of searching I have been afraid to do. I sat down and looked at me.
This “intensive” journey, as I call it , has lasted only a short 17 days, however I feel I have been to the edge of the earth and back. I have literally stripped myself down to the core; the essence of my very self. It has been a painful process, both for myself and those close to me.

As I neared the end of these days, I made an encounter. We’ll call him Jim. I had seen Jim around a popular chat site for people locally. We had spoken once or twice, but never more than a casual hello. I don’t know what caused us to speak this particular day, but somehow I found myself  in a private conversation with him.

What came next I will always remember as the most important conversation of my life. Jim and I talked for close to 12 hours that night. Not only did he see the real me, but he allowed me to join him on the journey and see myself through his eyes. It was almost a spiritual journey. Little did he know, he was giving me myself back, and I was opening up to someone for the first time in years. There was a love there I wasn’t sure what to do with. It was bigger than us, we knew. And it was good. I knew I had made an amazing friend.

I owe the end of a 26 year journey to him. And the return of a girl I thought I’d lost for good. I don’t know why he was able to reach her. I don’t know why we connected as we did.  But I know I will always be happy at the sound of his voice. And be able to smile again because of  him.     Thank you.

Changes

Some days life really just wants to pile it on. This has been the story of my month. Just when I decide to take control of my situation and get myself back, my mind begins to unravel things that will forever change my life. Now, like Alice, I feel I have fallen down the rabbit hole, and surely I will not return to a time where things made sense. 

I may be forced to do something that kills me to protect someone I love.  Can I ever feel normal again?  I believe my whole world to be changing shape… a new sight that my eyes dare not focus on. I want things to be as they were, and yet I want to embrace the change and go with what is to come.

I know that nobody understands me. There is no other person who feels what it’s like to have such noise all the time.  Even at a time in my life when I am surrounded by friends, and people I love, I have never felt so alone. I feel I am losing myself. Ironic seeing as how I feel as though I ALMOST had the answers. But those answers seem just out of my grasp. Like a dream I can’t remember. Waking up too soon. Something I can’t quite put my finger on. I suppose it will come to me in time. Until then I must try to continue on and be strong, and hope that I can make it another day.

When Things Were New

I remember when things were new. Brand new. He was a screen name. We spoke for months online, on the phone. From the same city, but unable to meet due to circumstances that kept me away until the fall. Call it what you will, but we were instantly in love. I had found my twin soul. My belief was confirmed when at last we met that October night at the Airport. We spent five wonderful months falling deeper in love, but, as is usually the case with twin souls, we had to spend some time apart. It was so much so fast. It would be 4 years before he would come back into my life for good. It was clear to us that after all that time, we hadn’t stopped loving each other for a second.

So tonight, I started thinking about this time around. We always knew we’d be together forever. Even when we first met. And now, here we are, engaged to be married. It’s funny how things evolve in relationships. I remember when things were new, this time around. We’d lie in bed all day, just holding each other (we still do many days.), but now we do our own thing sometimes.  Stupid fights turned into big fights when it was new, and now we rarely fight, and when we do, it’s over something that matters, and ends quickly and maturely.  But there are some ‘when it was new’ things I really miss.

I miss the romantic things. There’s still romance…he’s that kind of guy. But I miss lying in the living room floor and talking for hours. Emailing each other, just because. Talking on IM when we’re in the same room b/c of the importance of that being how we started. I miss when we stopped to remember the little things we could do to make each others day a little brighter.

Don’t let me mislead you. We have one of the strongest, best, most loving relationships you will ever see or hear about. They can’t write what we’re made of.  I guess I just miss the newness. But at the end of the day, I get to lie down beside this wonderful man that in 2 months I will call my husband and know that he will be mine for a thousand lifetimes, so I suppose I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I love you Jack. Thanks for being my somebody.

Apologies

So here I am again. 2am. No sleep in the near future. I’m left with questions. Why do I always find myself at this place?  Racked with self doubt? No matter how far I come on my journey I feel I accomplish so little in getting where I need to be. I am not there, where I long to be…confident in myself and my place in life. I am no longer here either. Here, where I started…confused and unsure, as I am at the moment.  No that is temporary for the present time. So despite all my years of writing and of living…of searching…I am still somewhere between here and there. It is really a dreadfully lonely place to be. I feel like I’m alone on an island, where nobody can understand what it’s like to be me. Least of all you. Confident, wonderful you. I am reminded of  a familiar line we both know so well. “Did you think that you were dreaming? I said sometimes I don’t know.” That fits so well here. I don’t know what is real. Is this real? Am I awake now? Or is this all a dream. I write about that so much. What is real…what is not. What the hell would you remember about me?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that after all this time, and after how far we have come I still have nights like tonight where I revert to that place and I feel like you “can’t see me.” Is it life? Maybe. I miss having our time. Our illusion we speak of. I hate reality more than anything. I fear the most that I will wake up and it will all disappear. You know why I fear this. It’s not your fault. It’s not my fault.  There is nobody to blame. And so I sit here, and I chain smoke, and I watch you breathe. I think of  the past…imagine the future…and I pray I won’t wake up too soon. I miss them. I miss you when I shouldn’t. I hope I get there one day. But for now I’ll hope I can just make it to tomorrow.

Perception Is Reality

Competitiveness. It never ceases to amaze me how ugly that word can be. It can turn even the best of friends into liars, cheaters, and backstabbers. In the end, 99% of a group, given the choice, will do what is best for themselves, no matter the cost. When things really get cutthroat…and it’s you or the other person…no matter how trivial the stakes may seem, you would sacrifice your best friend for such a small price. Is this true in all aspects of life?

I have been observing behavior here in my work environment as times are getting tougher lately. Everyone is out for blood. Those of us who are making the grade honestly are a target for everyone else. All conspiring to discredit us in any way they can. Such trivial things, especially since it won’t get any of us ahead in the end. What drives them then, to try and push the ones at the top down? My guess is jealousy. Jealousy that it doesn’t come as easily to them? Hope that if they can prove fault in the ones on top, they themselves will be on top for a change. At any rate, you thought you knew who your friends were, and it can change at any time. I speak not just firsthand, but from observation.

Which brings me back. Is this true in all aspects of life. If you could be sacrificed here…by people you are close to…for such a small price…what would happen in life when it counts? Who can you ever trust? Would your closest friend sell you out for the right price? Are allies constantly formed looking out for number one? Are those who are happy for your success, really looking to get a piece of it? Perhaps this is a cynical view. Or maybe, just maybe, this is the harsh idea that many of us have but are too afraid to entertain.

The reality in my one person I can trust is that at the end of the day he would trade me for certain things if I didn’t fit into that plan, or agree to one day. Would I do the same to him? Would he really go through with it or are these just thoughts? Things are great now. They usually are. But when they aren’t, we look for ways out. We all just want to feel safe somewhere. I felt safe last night. I long to continue that.

What has become of who we are as people. Our character? We’ve become so petty. Life isn’t about that. Let’s change it. Perception is reality. Take a look at your surroundings. The people you associate with in life, whether personally or at work. You may be more like them then you think, and seeing yourself from another angle may shock  you.  You can learn a lot just by listening. I stopped to listen this week. You’d be amazed the things I heard, and learned about myself. The path to self discovery is an easy one once you decide to allow yourself to stop trying so hard to fight the natural order of who you are. Shut up…listen to what’s around you…and trust your instincts. Hopefully, you’ll be at peace with who you are, and even if everyone throws you under the bus, you can smile, because you know the kind of person you are…and that you rose above it, but more importantly, that when you saw yourself through someone else’s eyes…you liked what was looking back at you.

Scars of my past

Life is tricky. Just when you think you have things under control, that things just may go your way…everything seems to get pulled out from under you. You’re left with an odd sensation of not knowing which way is up. I have finally reached that point in my life where I am able to pretend I belong in the real world. I worry every moment that someone will realize I don’t really fit in here and send me away. I enjoy my work which is good, but every day is a constant struggle to remind myself that I can be normal like they are. To forget the scars of my mind…of my past…and just pretend to fit in. I know I will never be normal. My long hours helping both myself, and my father here have taken me away from the one person who understands the real me, and loves me in spite of it. I am so busy lately that I have no time to mourn my children. I asked my doctor what to do on those bad days, in regard to my medicine. He told me…”There are no pills for a broken heart.”

I have been so touched and deeply affected by the news of a coworkers personal tragedy this week. This woman is someone I deeply respect and care for, and see a lot of myself in, as far as the life that we come from. The pain she is suffering now not only hurts me because I care for her, but because I see so much of myself in the person close to her who is suffering. I feel I know what he is going through without ever having met him, and my heart aches because I know all to well what it is like to feel that way, almost every day of your life.  I only wish I could do more to help them both. When we speak of it, I hear a  reflection of myself, and who I used to be…who I sometimes still am. Her face will stay with me this weekend.

Personally lately, I am both better than I have ever been, and worse than I’ve been in awhile. I am genuine, not at all fake ever, I hate fake people. But I cry a lot these days. I just want to be me…but I’m still trying to figure out who that is. More Philosophy study to come. Back to the normal format next week. Thanks for reading.

Self Exploration

I seem to be fading lately. Maybe I am well. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I just go through the motion of life but I can’t really feel it all. I haven’t posted in over a month. I have been struggling  with what to write tonight, and I realized it’s more important to write something than to write perfection. Tonight’s post is a bit different than ones I’ve done in the past. I hardly know where to begin.

For those of you who know me personally you know I have very few close friends, by choice. If you were to take a look at the people I decided to spend time with, you’d soon learn that they are all male. I don’t care for women, I never have. Imagine my surprise, won’t you, when I met, and instantly bonded with, a young woman online a few weeks ago. The more we talk, the more we find we have in common. She is eight years my junior, but intelligent beyond her years. I’m reminded, laughingly, of Anne of Green Gables. Anne talks about finding  her bosom friend Diana. It is rare for me to make such a connection with a person and I am left with a feeling of bewilderment wondering what this means. I can hear my dear Jack now telling me to stop thinking, the one lesson I can’t seem to wrap my head around.

The relevance of this friendship is that I would normally never make the effort to have such a relationship. I am twenty six, and for the first time in my life, having a female as a friend. That it is becoming such a good friendship makes me a lucky individual. That she is so far away, however, makes it somewhat sad. We’ll see what becomes of the situation. And so continues my self exploration.

I said in my last post that I would be back with consistancy. Hopefully, I mean that this time.   I can’t help but think I’m losing something lately.  Socrates said that knowledge is a matter of recollection and not of learning, observation, or study. He often complained of his own forgetfulness. Could that be the problem? Is it that the stress of life is causing my memory to fail, making me feel like I can’t know all that I wish to know right now? I’m still on the path to finding myself and I think that allowing myself to do things I would normally never do, I am on the right track to knowing who Jennifer really is. There is always more to come.

Dark Fridays

Just leave me alone with my thoughts. Someone is watching over me I can feel it.
Why then, am I so alone? When I enter this hibernation period it is for the most contradictory of reasons.
I long to distance myself from those awful everyday occurrences,
And yet when I meditate it is about the very thing I am trying to hide from.
What a dilemma I should be in! If the curse I carry…brought upon myself…leads me into this darkness,
Who would follow me? I see a hopeless void today. A void of vast shadows and endless night.
Better to be alone than with the reaper. But I am not truly alone am I?
I try to look beyond these feelings, knowing they will pass.
But much of the time I do not know what I am looking for, or at.
It is a searching that is deeper than the visual eye can see.
The inner soul search that I must continue to try to solve, for him. For us.
Without his love I would surely have given up. I notice the days like this are fewer now.
There is an intellectual need for the pain on days like today. The silence and isolation.
So that I can reflect on these things.
So that I can see that what once would have killed me,
Now only makes me hurt. And while it is a terrible hurt, if I have him to hold me as I cry,
I know tomorrow, I may smile again.

Sink or Swim

In your light
I learn how to love.
In your beauty, how to make poems.
You dance inside my chest,
where no one sees you,
but sometimes I do,
and that sight
becomes this art.
Rumi

I have struggled greatly with what to post this past week. Working endlessly on a piece, while my love was gone from me. But I have set it aside for next time. You see, this blog, for me, is a learning tool, as much as a place of teaching and expression. I am recently learning about philosophy, and as I do, I incorporate it into what I write. My lover, who is also my teacher, gave me a book by Richard Bach called Illusions. In it, Bach says ‘we teach what we most need to learn.’ I’ve found this applies to almost everything in life. By using philosophy in my writings, I am learning to apply it to my daily life, while teach others at the same time. This is a new area for me. But I digress. I’ve always said, write what you know. And what I know, is that I’m afraid. Afraid to  write again. Afraid to fail.

I have always seen myself as intelligent. Confident even. But now, I am challenging myself to learn new things. Step out of my comfort zone and try new ideas. Learn from those wiser than myself. I always tell my readers and friends to not be afraid of failure, and here I am, scared to take my own advice. So I suppose it’s time for me to just jump in and see what happens. Sink or swim, I need to not second guess myself, and even consider the possibility that I am blessed to have such a wonderful teacher here to guide me through the process of taking my thoughts to a higher level. I will be back with consistant posts from now on. Hopefully ones to interest you and make you think. Thanks for reading, and I’ll keep writing. And a special thanks to my twin soul. The above Rumi verse is dedicated to you. I see the real you, and it is beautiful. If not for your support and inspiration, I wouldn’t have the courage to try again. I love you.

Suffocating Silence

Silence. I hate it. You know the kind. The suffocating silence that presses down on you, filling the room until you’re gasping for breath. I think maybe sometimes the quiet will be good for me. Will allow me to work, or think, or just appreciate the lack of silence when it’s gone. None of this is true. It actually stifles me. I find myself unable to concentrate on anything I start. I find my eyes moving to the living room floor, remembering nights spent wrapped up in each other. I try to get some work done, but loneliness sinks in. I keep coming back to photos of us, when distance was not necessary. It took so long to gain this foothold, if I was to lose it, I fear all of my world would fall with it. And so I sit, pretending to be busy. Waiting for the phone to ring.  Maybe the truth is I feel too much.

I know right now, I’m terrified. Terrified of my thoughts. Of being alone, even if only for these hours. I know I’ll drive around later, find my center. Make sense of things in my head. But then I’ll come back here, and the feelings will creep up on me again, threatening to suffocate me. I have to suffer this alone for now. Soon, he will be home, and the walls will stop trying to close in. So many things have happened to make me view things differently. I don’t know why I am the way I am. I do know, however, this silence is the hardest part of it all.